When it comes to my mom, I can never really cry. Yeah, I tear sometimes but that’s about it. I used to think it was because I was devoid of emotion but that’s not it exactly 100% it.
I understood what it was when my uncle called me to tell me my grandmother died. I was mostly really shocked and in disbelief. I spent the first hour after he called me by drawing and reading at work like I normally do. But that’s not exactly “normal” because my grandmother is the person that raised me. I don’t love anyone else more than I love her. Then around the second hour, I called my mom while I was still working to ask if uncle called her to let her know about grandmother passing. I was going to just keep it a short conversation and since I wasn’t crying, I thought I was surprisingly okay.
But the moment my mom answered the phone, it was just waterworks for half an hour. I was blubbering with like five streams of tears going down my face and neck as I helped customers.
It’s my MOM that triggers my crying. It’s her soothing voice that triggers all these emotions I keep down. There’s nothing else that makes me cry except her.
I’ve never cried when she went through surgery after surgery and even through chemo. I never cried when she first told me she had cancer, or even the second time, and even now when it’s her third. I thought I was a piece of shit daughter that didn’t even care if she was dying or not.
I must be more aware of myself now because I realize I’m always crying. But I can never cry because the person that triggers it is my mom. And she’s the one person I can never cry in front of.
She must know this because she leaves the house for me sometimes.